When you are coming back from Marks & Spencer with three bags full of shopping and a couple of complaining children in tow, trying to get home before it starts raining, the last thing you think about is buying a cactus in the local flower shop.
To be fair, I was under pressure, Abigail had gone on a girls weekend to West Wittering (you know that place on the south coast where so many “Claphamites” go at weekends …because “its just so so great being able to catch up with your London friends”/neighbours some 100 miles away in West Wittering !) and I was left looking after my two young sons. Everything was going wrong. I just needed to get food home quickly and feed them, as it was the children were complaining and I was pretty upset with life. Marks & Spencer food was the plan for lunch but the pain was having to walk there (car was in West Wittering with wife) and then back home again. The quicker I could get home, the quicker I could “nuke” the Chicken Tikka Masala ready made meal in the microwave and the quicker the kids could eat – and then hopefully they would shut up and life would be OK for me again…well that was the plan anyway…
As we were walking back past Clapham South tube station, we passed the flower shop just next to Moxon’s, the fishmonger on Nightingale Lane. That’s when Jonathan (aged 5) spotted a cactus in the flower shop window…..an enormous cactus…..
“Daddy, I want a cactus…..I have always wanted a cactus…….I want that cactus…..”
“Don’t be so ridiculous”
“Please Daddy….anyway George and I are bored and you had said to Mummy you would take us to the zoo this afternoon. You had promised….but now you are saying we have to watch boring Rugby this afternoon.”
OK so he is good….outlines of a deal here*. ‘England – Wales’ for a cactus. Could work….might well work….need to check how serious this offer from the 5 yrs old might be…
“Well if I buy the cactus, you will still be bored when I watch the rugby – so that is not going to make you happy…don’t think a cactus is a good idea.”
“Cactus would be great – could talk about it at ‘Show and Tell’ at school and George and I will play with the Lego whilst you watch the rugby…we will make a matching Lego cactus. I think we have enough green Lego.”
The kid is good – I am proud. Nice move to bring school into the negotiations – very nice…. but I am not buying more green Lego. Also he gives me an angle with Abigail – it was for ‘Show and Tell’ at school.. I want them to succeed at school after all. However felt there were just a few more things that we needed to iron out…
“I promised to Mummy that I would take you to the zoo, you can do a ‘Show and Tell’ about the animals. Lets do the zoo.”
“Mummy would not want us to go out in the cold – its very cold Daddy – and anyway George and I also want to make mummy a Lego flower, which she likes. And I read that cactus don’t need much water.”
OK so we have a deal… Rugby (sorted), no zoo (sorted), George and Jonathan on side (sorted), cactus low maintenance (sorted), kids are dealing with Abigail on the no zoo issue (sorted) … and the need for green Lego idea has been quietly dismissed.
Then sadly Jonathan showed his age – you know when you just over play your hand – he just pushed it a little too far…
“George and I were thinking, Daddy, that maybe if we had the Lego Farm from the toy shop round the corner we could play all afternoon. You could watch rugby all afternoon. Didn’t we George?”
“George hungry, go home, hungry, want snack” – was the little brother’s input into the tense negotiations. Clearly not interested in a cactus or a Lego set or rugby – but highly focused on Chicken Tikka Masala and food in general.
From my standpoint the second rugby match was Scotland – Italy. A likely Scotland win, so of strictly no interest to me or any sane English supporter – or frankly any lover of rugby in my humble opinion. Lego was a definite “no trade” for the peace of being able to watch Scotland play rugby. For a Lego set you would expect very decent rugby – something Scotland was unable to provide. Jonathan was just showing his lack of rugby acumen – but to be fair to him he is young and he will learn that Scots can’t play rugby. Simple really.
“No, we are going out with our bikes this afternoon after the rugby match. Humphrey needs a walk. You can have a hot chocolate at the bandstand.”
It was obvious that Jonathan had decided not to push the point – clearly keen on salvaging the cactus trade. The Lego farm set would have to wait.
A silent agreement had been reached between father and son – cactus for rugby. It was a trade. it was a good trade – both parties felt they had got what they wanted. The cactus was coming home…
Well would you believe it – the cactus was £155…. not £50, not £100, but £155…I mean its only a desert “weed” as far as I am concerned. £155 seems expensive although I must admit that I have no idea on cactus prices. Anyway the shop girl told me it was a fantastic cactus – to be fair for £155 it bloody should be, and from her standpoint it had earned her £155 so it was pretty bloody fantastic !
So I walked home with three bags of Marks & Spencer food, and a 5ft cactus (Pilosocereus cactus if you care) and two kids arguing over what to name him. For those of you who have never walked home with a 5ft cactus and three bags of Marks & Spencer food – I can tell you its neither easy nor a proud moment in one’s life !!
Also the bloody Welsh won that afternoon ….
*(Please don’t pass judgement on me as a father – England vs. Wales in the 6 Nations at Twickenham- you know you would too…)
